The Stories We Create

By Traci Ferris, Postpartum Doula, A Family Friend Postpartum Support

 Each person has a unique life story. As Cassandra Vieten, Ph.D. (2009) states in Mindful Motherhood, our experiences most basically consist of thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. The stories that we create about these experiences, the meanings that we give to these basic components of experience, are what make up our life stories. Stories of childbirth and motherhood are as varied as the women creating the stories, but there is no arguing that these are some of the most profound experiences of our lives. Therefore, these stories are worth telling and worth telling in the most beautiful way possible.

Often, women are robbed of their beautiful stories of new parenthood by unwanted thoughts, feelings, or sensations that cloud the beauty of their experiences. When I was pregnant with my first son, the only thought I could visualize was lying with him as he slept peacefully on my chest, gazing upon him and enjoying his new-baby scent. The reality was that, while we did have some of those moments, the moments of “baby screaming, mommy not being able to soothe” came often and I had to wonder, what was I doing wrong?? Shouldn’t a mother know how to make her baby happy? Often when fantasy does not meet reality and negative meanings are assigned to the experiences mothers have with their new babies, depression or lack of confidence can set in. These are the thieves that rob mothers of the wonderful stories of new motherhood.

Kathleen A. Kendall-Tackett (2010) defines three different “attributional styles” that are at the center of the stories we create about our lives (pp. 91). She states that mothers who look on the negative side of things tend to make “internal, global, and stable attributions,” while mothers who can see positivity even in challenging events make external, specific, and unstable attributions (Kendall-Tackett, 2010, pp. 91). 

Take these two trains of thought by fictional new mothers for example:

Mother #1: The baby is crying again. Didn’t I put her down ten minutes ago? Why can’t I get her to sleep? I must be a horrible mother if I don’t even know enough about my own daughter to help her stop crying. She is never going to be able to get a good sleep routine down, and it’s going to be all my fault if her development suffers from lack of sleep.

Mother #2: The baby is crying again. Poor thing, she must be teething. She has been extra fussy for the past couple of days. I will take her for a walk, maybe that will calm her down. I just need to have patience, this stage will pass soon.

Mother #1 exhibits the internal, global, and stable attributional styles in that she blames herself for her daughter’s crying and worse, she makes the global assessment that she is not a good mother and that this is only going to get worse for her daughter. Mother #1 is on a runaway train of negative storytelling, all based on the meanings she is assigning to what is going on in her life. 

On the other hand, Mother #2 is externally focused in making meaning of her daughter’s fussiness. She understands that babies pass through stages and that she can only do so much to help her daughter work through the stage that she is in.

Why is this important? Well, often we – mothers, in our attempts to be the best that we can be for our babies -  find that our storytelling does become a runaway train of negativity and do not realize the best way to put the brakes on this frame of mind so that we can enjoy the experiences life brings our way. Mindful Motherhood (Vieten, 2009) urges readers to understand the separation between what is happening to us and our interpretations of what is happening and learn to accept what is. Therefore, when we find ourselves spinning a web of stories about how we aren’t “good enough” at being mothers, we should take a moment to understand what thoughts and meanings we are assigning to our experiences to lead us to think this way. 

In other words, we are our own harshest critics at times and even unprovoked, we can find ways to not measure up to our own high standards as mothers.

Returning to my own fantasies about my newborn baby, I find myself thinking back longingly to those days when he cried so often and for so long and remember desperately bouncing him and singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” so many times that I thought I would go hoarse. That was the first song he ever learned how to sing by himself. I have to smile and be thankful for that experience of desperation as part of our wonderful memories together and part of the process of helping him grow and learn.

About Traci
Hi! My name is Traci Ferris. I live in Katy, Texas, and I am the mother of two wonderful boys, ages three and seven months. I am a postpartum doula and recently began my business - A Family Friend Postpartum Support, which will be serving mothers in the Houston Metro area. I have a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a license to practice in the state of Georgia. I moved here to Texas in September 2011 and am in the process of transferring my license so that I can offer therapy services to families dealing with depression, anxiety, or trauma in the antenatal and postnatal periods. My Facebook page can be found at A Family Friend Postpartum Support

References:

Vieten, Ph.D., Cassandra. (2009.) Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child’s First Year. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland.

Kendall-Tackett, Kathleen A. (2010.) Depression in New Mothers: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment Alternatives, 2^nd Edition. Routledge: New York.

You Know You Are a Lactation Consultant When…

…You aren’t home, your husband answers a call from a breastfeeding mom and knows what breastpump to recommend to her.

…Your son’s teacher tells him she wants to talk to me about breastfeeding but HIS translation is “Miss McGillicuddy needs help with her nipples.”

…You could hand express anything that has milk in it.
…You find yourself obsessing over the creation of the perfect, crocheted demo breast.

…You perform reverse pressure softening on yourself while describing it to a desperate mom over the phone.

…Your doctor’s nurse, while there for your annual check-up, asks you to palpate a lump in her nipple and give your opinion on what it might be.

- to read the rest, see BAY AREA BREAST FEEDING

Amazing Amber

Chances are, if you’ve attended the B.I.R.T.H. Fair or a similar event in the past, you’ve spotted adorable babies (and their mamas) sporting a string of amber beads around their necks. Those necklaces are more than just stylish; they actually possess some pretty amazing therapeutic benefits. Baltic amber necklaces are growing in popularity within natural parenting circles due to their ability to alleviate the symptoms of teething without the need for drugs, medication or gels.  

Baltic amber is not a stone, but a fossilized tree resin. Centuries ago, Baltic amber was considered one of the leading medicines of its time and was used to treat a variety of ailments. It offers pain relief, strengthens the body’s immune system, restores energy, helps maintain wellness, helps break the cycle of chronic inflammation, and has a calming effect for the wearer. Baltic amber has been used as a remedy for teething for thousands of years, particularly in European countries.

The amber from the Baltic Sea is the most esteemed amber in the world and the healing qualities of Baltic amber make it unlike any other type of amber on earth. When Baltic amber is worn against the skin, the body’s warmth releases trace amounts of healing oils from the amber. These oils contain succinic acid and are absorbed into the skin. A natural analgesic, amber helps remedy restlessness, irritability, sleep trouble and pain. Amber is equally beneficial for adults as it is for babies and children. Some conditions which may benefit from the healing properties of amber are: arthritis, carpal tunnel, headaches, neck/shoulder pain, TMJ, anxiety, and much more. An increasing number of people are seeking more natural, safe alternatives to over-the-counter medications. Amber is a perfect solution, as there are absolutely no side effects. Amber teething necklaces make excellent gifts and are always a great conversation piece. 

A common misconception regarding amber teething necklaces is that they are for the baby to “teethe” on, similar to a teething ring or Sophie giraffe. Amber necklaces are made for wearing, not for chewing! Their benefit is derived from the healing oils which are absorbed through the skin. Genuine Baltic amber is a delicate substance  and may break under pressure, which is why the necklace should be short enough that the child cannot get it into their mouth. The butter and white varieties are the most expensive and most fragile amber, being comprised of a sap & cream mixture, so amber jewelry should be treated with care just as you would any other piece of fine jewelry. Genuine amber will vary in shape and contain natural inclusions. Amber may contain bits of  fossilized organic material such as tree bark, moss, or even insects! This is part of the beauty of real amber.

Angela’s Amber is a local mommy business providing only the best in handmade, one-of-a-kind Baltic amber jewelry for every member of your family. Each piece of jewelry from Angela’s Amber is lovingly handcrafted out of only the best quality, ancient amber from Lithuania. The beads are natural amber, not pressed, melted, or reconstructed. Nothing is mass-produced, and you won’t have to wait 3 weeks for overseas shipping! Learn more about Angela and how she got started here. One of Angela’s specialties is designing custom pieces for her clients. She has lots of options to personalize your jewelry, including birthstones, and genuine natural gemstones such as amethyst, tourmaline, carnelian, citrine, emerald, aquamarine, freshwater pearls and much more.

Here are some testimonials from a few of her happy customers:

“I bought a necklace from you and my toddler loves it. He says it's a magic happy necklace!”

“Beautifully made & within 24 hrs of my son wearing it, I have seen a significant improvement in his teething pain. Thank you!! I have already recommended this shop to many other moms!”

“LOVE my daughter's necklace!! She gets compliments everywhere we go! She has also started cutting molars, and we've only needed to use the Hyland's Teething Tablets twice this entire time! I highly recommend Baltic Amber to everyone, but especially from Angela's Amber!”

“Amazing product. So pretty and really does help calm my little one. We get so many compliments on her 'pretty necklace.' People are astonished when I start telling them about the benefits of amber. I have another amber necklace I purchased online from Lithuania and Angela's Amber necklace is far better. We put the other one in a drawer and always wear Angela's necklace.”

While wearing a piece or two of Baltic amber jewelry may not cure all that may ail you, it has been a proven benefit to many! Why not give it a try?

www.angelasamber.etsy.com

www.facebook.com/angelasamber